Well. Its been a long time since writing. Been busy, but I really can’t say what. Don’t you hate it when you know you’ve had your hands full, but you can’t really point to any accomplishment to validate your efforts?

I’ve been working at a library for about eight months now, and I’ve loved it. Great work environment, wonderful co-workers, lots of books (I’m a devout bibliophile). This is the first time I’ve had a job at which I’ve felt competent and confident. Every other job, even those peon high-school or unskilled labor jobs (fast food, grocery store, line worker at a factory, etc--no offense to those currently working in those jobs), I’ve always felt insecure. I felt I was constantly making mistakes, always looking over my shoulder, wondering if I was being productive or just being tolerated by my employer because he/she didn’t want to go through firing me. But this job, this I’ve felt at ease. I feel respected and appreciated by my boss. I feel on top off the world there. It’s made a big difference in all aspects of my life. I haven’t really experienced any of the aspects of depression that have been so prevalent in my life. Its been great.

But alas, these good moments never last. My wife is graduating from school now, and will be starting grad school in two weeks. We’re really excited for her; she will be pursuing a Masters of Architecture, which has been a dream of hers as long as she can remember. She felt it was a pipedream, but I really encouraged her to give it a chance. I would hate for her to settle for being “just” a housewife when she has other aspirations. Don’t get me wrong. We both want a family, several kids, and want to put them first when we have them. But I wouldn’t want her to end up in twenty years wondering what might have been. Let her try for her other goals; we can make the family work with some sacrifices on both of our parts.

The downside is that we can’t afford to get her through grad school on my current job alone. And since it wouldn’t be fair to have her try to work while getting through the program, I need to get another job.

The very idea of having to get back out there, find someplace new to work, and leave this current situation is messing with my head. Because I’ve been doing so well emotionally, I gave up my medication about half a year ago. But I can already see the signs that I’m gonna have to get back on the pills again (great--another expense). I’m finding myself getting down on myself again. I make a few mistakes and brood for hours, literally telling myself what a fucking moron I am. I start to feel panicky when I try to plan out a job search, put together a new resume, figure out who to start calling, etc. The idea of acclimating to a new job starts the butterflies buzzing around in my stomache, until I’m almost nauseous.

I hate this. Normal people just get out there, find a job, and work out just fine. What the hell is my problem?

Life’s a bitch sometimes.